I wish both parents could take extensive leave after a child is born, without it being a financial issue later. Bonding early with the kid is good for everyone.
Agreed. I think a lot of young families especially dads who worked from home during the pandemic really valued being at home everyday. We should all be able to do that regardless of our jobs
Dads also described feeling a lack of agency and fearful of voicing their own preferences and needs, which is referred to as being a passenger parent.
Yeah. Sometimes we play a supporting role. Recovering from pregnancy and birth is hard on mom, so we step up. Our preferences take a back seat for a while.
There’s a legit question about splitting work fairly. Negotiating that can be difficult. I didn’t see a discussion of that in the article.
Andy deals with his dad guilt by trying to find ways to be an active and productive parent.
“Things like getting the next load of washing ready or cleaning up the dishes while my partner is trying to get Frances into bed,” he explains.
This gets to the work splitting. If you feel guilty, and you’re sitting on the couch, find something to do.
It’s fair to say that we don’t prepare people for parenting. Our society isn’t great with those kinds of role models and archetypes. But asking your spouse what needs to be done, or taking over some of their responsibilities is doable for most of us.
My wife is a just starting her second trimester and I feel woefully unqualified to help as a parent. I’m starting to read books but I feel unqualified. She was babysitting for her entire teenage years and her friends ask her to help with their kids. None of my male friends who are 1-2 years older have any kids so I can’t ask them for advice on things while hers have so much advice since almost all have at least 1 kid. Not to mention she gets all the targeted ads about babies while I get almost none. ( That might be because I’m on less social media but still)
Men really are not socialized or taught how to raise kids. I can keep a house and I can cook so I can help but needs to upskill parenting. We’re really held a lower standard
We did a few prenatal classes. That made me feel a bit more prepared. The big ones for me:
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How to change a diaper. It isn’t hard, but I had no idea where to start.
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How to swaddle a kid. Realistically, I’m not sure it made a difference for our kids, but it made me feel more prepared.
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How to install a car seat. I’m pretty sure I still screwed it up, but I felt confident about it.
I can keep a house and I can cook
Then you’re most of the way there.
She’ll probably be physically messed up from the birth, so have a conversation about how work should be split up. Volunteer to cook, clean, and do laundry. If she’s breast feeding (which some women have trouble with) then she may need lots of time parked with the kid.
This part is gonna sound weird, but: don’t expect to fall in love with the baby immediately. Newborns are not like babies on TV - they’re immobile, unaware, and totally dependent. I would have jumped on a grenade for my newborns, but the emotional side didn’t grow on me for a while. That came when they were a few months old and they started to react to the world.
Congratulations, dude. It’s a big change, but it’s something you can handle.
Thanks for the advice. I know I’ll get there but it’s strange how them for someone whose always wanted kids there’s not as much support for men. Classes are great and we’re signing up for them now
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