I’ve been waiting until after Christmas day to make this post, but some of our communities recently have had a lot of noise and upset over someone that uses neopronouns that most people are unfamiliar with.
So I want to make this clear. A persons pronouns are to be respected. This is true when the user is using neopronouns that you’re unfamiliar with. It’s true even if you think someone is trolling. Pronouns are not rewards for good behaviour. They aren’t only to be respected when you like the person you’re interacting with, or if their pronouns “make sense” to you. Trolls, spammers, twitter users, it doesn’t matter who they are, your options are to respect their pronouns, or to not engage with them.
I really want to re-iterate the importance of this. Gender diverse folk are undermined, invalidated and questioned at every step of our lives. As a community, we need to be working to undo that, not creating more of it, and that means there is no space for treating pronouns (including neopronouns) as a reward for good behaviour.
This isn’t a free reign for trolls and spammers. The rules still apply. Trolling, spamming, etc will continue to be dealt with, but it’s not an excuse to act as if respecting someones pronouns is optional.
I think it’s time to block this community and it’s gatekeeping mods that remove any and all that disagree with protecting a troll.
Good logical stance.
I think a lot of friction is coming from the person this post is about’s neopronouns being very clearly kink-related.
But many pronouns can be varying intensities of sexual or kinky. He/she implies a set of well-ingrained social stigmas and a general sexuality.
I see people refusing to want to be forced, via the social contract of self-validation, to engage with said clear kink.
But people who identify with pronouns of “he” or “she” are invalidated by bigots who view the person using one of the three basic singular pronouns in English as pushing their “kink” on them via that same social contract to validate a person’s self.
So clearly there cannot be a “line” where a pronoun becomes too kink-related, because the statement “ensuring someone does not engage with a kink without their consent via socially-forced pronouns is more important than validating that person’s sense of self” can be traced back all the way to the three basic singular pronouns in English and be used to invalidate someone’s use of them. A limit will invalidate people on the other side and can be walked back until everyone is invalidated.
So blocking if you do not want to engage with a certain intensity of pronoun-kink is the only logical way to deal with that kink-intensity issue people are having with pronouns/neopronouns.
We’re messy, world is messy, there is no line to be drawn. And you do not have to engage with neopronouns anyway, you can just avoid person-specific pronouns if those pronouns are too kink-ified or clumsy or difficult to remember.
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I think this page gives some good info on Neopronouns for those who might not be entirely in the know about them.
My only problem is when i use singular they them for someone and they have a problem with it. I speak hungarian natively which has no grammatical gender nor gendered pronouns and it makes so much more sense. The whole thing about gender neutral language doesnt exist. But what makes me mad is that other languages that have genders solved it while english is still messing around and every time i use singular they or dude/guy as gender neutral, someone with neopronouns or a right winger has to point out how im incorrect. This is of course not pointed at those who use neopronouns, just as someone who speaks a language where pronouns dont matter it feels kinda useless.
You’re allowed to make mistakes and find it difficult. You’re not allowed to decide that you’re not even going to try. If you are at that point, your options are to get it right, or to not engage with the person in question.
yo only vaguely related, but pugjesus is REALLY being an asshole about drag. i figured this is a safe place to vent lmao
that powertrippinbastards community gets worse every time i dip my head in, i swear
Lemmy seems to be getting worse unfortunately :\
Hi Ada, I stepped in to lock the post and put a stop to the drama, but maybe I should have acted sooner. Our admins have got no problem with respecting drag’s pronouns or anyone else’s. The social conservatives seem emboldened since Trump was re-elected imo. It sucks.
You literally didn’t though? You locked someone else’s post, but not PugJesus’ post. You also regurgitated the same stupid line about “dragon fucker isn’t a gender” that literally has nothing to do with drag’s pronouns. Way to try and curry favour like you care when you clearly, in fact, do not.
This is a bad faith comment tbh. I locked the second post on this topic soon after I was messaged about it. It didn’t seem as heated as the other post I previously locked which is why I’d left it unlocked originally. Perhaps it took a while for that lock to be federated to the blajah instance?
And for the record, that’s not what I said, you are (inaccurately) paraphrasing. I do think that drag is a irredeemable troll, but I have always used drag’s pronouns to the best of my ability. Just because drag might be trans doesn’t excuse drag’s behaviour towards other users. We adopt a “fuck around and find out” rule towards trolls and drag fucked around one time too many.
I don’t have any opinion on the validity or otherwise of neo-pronouns, I’m not interested in litigating the topic because the discussion always turns toxic - I simply reminded our members to respect pronouns even if they don’t agree with or understand them.
If my actions seem like “currying favour” to you, then I can only say that you seem to be determined to take offense.
Thank you! It’s been eye opening to see just how many of them there are active on lemmy :/
I want to share the above person’s comment regarding drag while locking that post:
https://lemmy.dbzer0.com/comment/15649022
As well, the post that user locked was not the main post, that was left unlocked for at least another 12 hours. There were two.
I didn’t want to report this as I didn’t want to face repercussion from moderators/admin on that instance.
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thanks for being around, ada. the work you do is greatly appreciated, even if it’s not readily apparent all the time.
imo @MossyFeathers said it best in an edit they made to this comment, quoted for visibility:
the fucking entitlement of cis people telling trans people how to run their spaces is sickening. I thought Lemmy was supposed to be fairly progressive, yet once again I’m being shown that cis people believe they deserve a voice in something that has nothing to do with them. You don’t get to call yourself an ally when you question someone’s validity.
You disgust me.Damn, it’s really weird to see myself getting quoted in a completely different thread, lol. Tbh, I’m not sure I handled myself all that well; however, in my defense, I was really pissed off because it’s no where near the first time I’ve seen people claim an identity was false, nor was it the first time I’ve seen someone treat pronouns like a reward for good behavior. I don’t agree that using “gender” in the way drag was using it is the correct way of using it, it seems like using a hammer on a screw; however, that’s not really for me to decide.
Drama subs are kind of a guilty pleasure for me, which was why I was there in the first place (also I browse all). At this point though, I’ve blocked pugjesus and I hope to never see their ass again. Probably gonna go back and block a bunch of the transphobes effectively saying that having your identity/pronouns respected are a privilege and not a right as well. What a bunch of gross, toxic individuals. It also makes me sad and disappointed. Lemmy used to be fun. It’s not really fun anymore.
it’s raw, and it’s real, and i’m SO glad you typed it out because it’s eloquating some shit that’s been bouncing around my head all nebulous and untouchable like.
and yeah pugjesus is a punk ass. mf has more than triple dipped on being an asshole in just the past 24 hours. anyone who isn’t already in that particular brand of echo chamber would be best off keeping as far away as possible, those kinda toxins are bad for the spirit :/
To be fair, pugjesus is an asshole about a lot of things, not just drag.
/s
I took a look and this is their normal behavior: just the topic du jour that they can use to whip up drama.
i really oughta block that whole comm. there’s something to be said for the value of dissenting opinions, but until they raise a point that isn’t “weird pronouns bad” there’s not a lot there for anyone outside the echo chamber.
i’m starting to think even trying to argue the logic is just an exercise in validating their bullshit when your comments all get dogpiled.
My problem is the intense amount of trolls and the harm that they’ve caused. Ive seen this instance devolve into trolls, counter trolls (trolls), alt accounts (trolls), mods (myself included) not being able to keep up, and admins not doing enough (imo).
I’m in agreement with this, but I think people should complain about the trolling behavior and the abusive behavior, and not about the pronouns, because the trolling and abusive behavior is the real problem. Not people using different pronouns or having non-standard identities.
The alternative, is a queer instance that is built from the ground up with gatekeeping baked in to its core. You may be ok with that. I am not. This instance will never be that.
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Holy shit this thread has become a prime example of why we love you so much Ada, I’ve literally never seen a safer place on the internet before and I’m including my own community I run outside of lemmy.
Endlessly defending trans people and banning all those who refuse to accept basic rules, it’s incredible although disturbing seeing how many transphobes have come out of the woodwork.
As Cishet white-ish person, who is only tangentially connected to this community IRL, but wants to be supportive, is there a definitive list of pronouns? It seems to me and many other people that if you just keep adding more and more, people get confused and or feel alienated and then some people get angry when confused, because they get frustrated and don’t want to do the wrong thing.
I usually default to “they” unless absolutely told, because It seems that once it gets so individualized, things go a bit nuts. We may as well just abolish all pronouns and only use proper nouns.
Side question, I’m neurodiverse (diagnosed ADHD, probably a bit on the spectrum), I feel very very weird before coming out to people, especially at work, as I think it will be used against me. There are still places in this world that would hurt/imprison/kill non-cis, non-hetero people. With such an interconnected world, especially with those places, how does one handle it while also trying to keep being proud of your identity? Wouldn’t putting neo pronouns in a profile open you up for targeting?
is there a definitive list of pronouns?
No. In the same way there’s no defintive list of genders, it would be virtually impossible to catelog every pronoun, or every single name. So it’s important to be careful because you could always come across a new pronoun that hasn’t been written down somewhere yet. But! That doesn’t mean people haven’t tried :) https://pronouns.page/ is a helpful resource that covers multiple languages.
I usually default to “they” unless absolutely told
This is a good strategy :)
once it gets so individualized, things go a bit nuts
This is really sadly only an issue online, where trolls and generally just unkind people do pose a real threat. Always respect people’s requested pronouns, but if you do suspect something shady, @[email protected] wrote out a handy guide here https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/comment/12169135
how does one handle it while also trying to keep being proud of your identity? Wouldn’t putting neo pronouns in a profile open you up for targeting?
Yes, it often does. :( Being on Blahaj.Zone is a good start to finding respite from the constant harassment, but even here there are problems as the need for this post from Ada shows.
is there a definitive list of pronouns
Not really, there are lists of the more well known ones. But they absolutely are not definitive. Much like gender, prounons are a social construct. It’s just a quickie handhold to communicate how that particular person sees themselves. They’re essentially stereotypes of stereotypes that mold and change over time. Which is why what’s considered women’s work (cooking) and men’s work (grilling) have shifted over time. Redneck, goth, jock & etc are all different forms of gender because it loosely describes how that person presents to the world. So a new gender/prounons is born, valid and inherently correct the moment someone says it. Gender is a social performance and there is no way to do it wrong.
Wouldn’t putting neo pronouns in a profile open you up for targeting?
When I was in the early days of my transition, I literally asked the same thing! Good question! You’re right, to put your new name/prounons into your name is inherently sorta doxxing yourself. You’re unfortunately entirely correct that it’s a risk depending on where you live. However the answer is also unfortunate and that’s its worth the risk to most people. All of our situations are different, but without question there are trans folk, out or closeted, that do not get to use their chosen name/prounons in real life. If they don’t use it online, the they effectively don’t get to be correctly identified in any part or their life. It’s out of desperation to be validated in some way. It’s a bummer, but I get it. I’m lucky and privileged enough to be out full time, so I don’t use my name online. But I’m absolutely not gonna judge how another person gets through the day.
You sound like you’ve got the right idea and a good handle on things. Neopronouns are generally a very case-by-case thing and not at all common, people who use them generally will (politely and without fuss) let you know, and many neopronoun-users (not all but many) also accept they/them. It’s not a thing that comes up a lot, and personally I think people tend to give the concept too much mental bandwidth. The important thing is to be respectful of each individual, if you’re not actively being a dickhead you probably don’t have too much to worry about on that front.
Thank you, Ada. I truly wish it had not come to this, but making this post is one of a very few good choices you could make in such an awfully difficult situation. I respect your vision and commitment for the space you want to create here and I hope it works out for the best.
Unless someones pronouns are in their username they’re getting a “they” from me. Nothing against xe/xim/xir but i ain’t checking every profile of every person I debate about whether Sonic would be tempted or double tempted by the One Ring.
i always just use they/them as a default until i know the correct pronouns because it’s the most universally genetic anyway :3
Personally I use they/them until I get corrected on it. It’s my default.
It being my default of course means that a lot of the time I’ll keep using it even after being corrected. That’s not from a position of intolerance though, it’s from a position of habit.
And also given the amount of people I engage with online I’m not going to remember every person I interact with, especially given how sparsely I actually respond to people and my response time to people.
Basically y’all are a field of ever changing faces I’ll likely never see again let alone IRL, I’m going to stick to they/them for 99% of our interactions.
what about, it? though a issue would be sexism as people could use it to call women objects.
Hold on, I’m she/they.
Now can we discuss this FASCINATING topic??? Do we think the one ring would hold multiple ring value? Would Sonic turn invisible or just absorb it? How does the ring affect sonic if it is absorbed? What happens if he collects 100 One Rings? I have so many questions.
Is the One Ring even categorically different from power rings?
(adorable little Timmy voice) “He would turn into Sonic dot E X E and kill us all!!”
Battle Network intensifies
Holy crap! A
Megaman
reference???Yeah… Pretty much my whole childhood Special Interest.
People remember the existence of the battle network megaman games, not just the platformers!?
What about would happen if the rings forged for man, dwarves, and elves (19 in all) were collected by Sonic along with the One Ring? Sonic could be like… a super ring wraith.
Then we put the Chaos Emeralds in the mix, and things get extra spicy.
It really depends on which sonic we are talking about, SEGA Genius Sonic, Sonic Adventures Sonic, one of the western animation Sonics, Anime Sonic, Live Action Sonic? If it’s Archie Comics Sonic then the power scale goes right out the window.
live action Sonic
or
That’s a fair problem, Lemmy and the mobile apps need a feature where you can see peoples pronouns beside their names. Voyager doesn’t even let me see anything besides someones username and instance, even on the profile page so I can’t even look for their pronouns even if I wanted
We got names for that. It is hard adjusting to nonbinary people in a language that does not support nongendered pronouns but names and nicknames are sociacialy accepted and carry the same respect as a correct pronoun.
You could use Voyager’s user tagging feature to tag people with their pronouns
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This is a problem for less than 1% of society.
Yes, and? So if a minority is small enough then it’s okay to be an asshole to them?
And there’s 8 billion people on earth, 1% of that is still 80 million people that somehow don’t deserve respect?
The incredibly overwhelming majority of people do not care at all about theirs or others pronouns
Try calling a grown-ass man a ‘she’ and see how quickly he starts caring.
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Bisexual and transphobic, what a goddamn shame.
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As far as I’m aware more than 99% of people have pronouns and most of them would prefer not being called by the wrong ones
Which is why “they” and “them” and “you” exist. If this WAS a big concern for the majority then you would already have pronouns in all the apps instead of not a single one. The fact it’s not there is the proof you need that most people don’t think about this until it’s brought up by you guys.
You might be a cis agender person considering how you talk about gender. Fascinating stuff imo.
Thank you for that link. I might have learned something new about myself.
Happy to be of service!
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I know suddenly being told your experience isn’t universal might be scary. But cis people do in fact care about their pronouns. If you don’t, well, I’m sorry to say it, but you are part of what you perceive as less than 1%. Which btw, is most likely a lot more than 1%
The latest numbers coming out of the US say 5% of young adults identify as trans. https://www.pewresearch.org/short-reads/2022/06/07/about-5-of-young-adults-in-the-u-s-say-their-gender-is-different-from-their-sex-assigned-at-birth/
It’s way over 1%, and it’s gonna get even higher.
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blahaj.zone is better about it, but much of Lemmy even just defaults to “he”
This is the only reasonable way to handle this situation. I’m all about making sure people are comfortable, but making-up words and then getting offended when people don’t use them properly is bonkers. I truly don’t mean to offend anyone, but this is getting out of hand.
I love how this gets posted for community members, in a meta community, talking about how to engage with our space to not get banned, and then every loser from all comes in here like “umm actually you can’t police my speech and umm pronoun bad” and promptly gets banned for being transphobic and breaking the rules that this post said will be enforced.
the mods and admins are doing a good job here, thanks for all your hard work you put in to make one of my favorite spaces on the internet as wonderful as it is.
Like moths to a light bulb, it would be funny if the banned folks’ behavior wasn’t steeped in hatred
Won’t somebody think of the transphobic cishet men?
They’re the real oppressed!
pet pet
Ada is legit one of the best moderators I’ve seen in my 25 years on the internet.
The admin’s chosen examples, in this thread, include demanding people use a slur, if that’s what some rando insists you insert, instead of the “they” that should work for any human being.
It’s really fucking difficult to argue ‘that absolutist or-else seems like a poor idea’ without sounding wishy-washy - or catching a boot in the ass.
look the whole point of this thread is that if you didn’t want to respect somebody’s pronouns then just don’t interact with them or report them if you think they are genuinely trolling, not encourage them. if you don’t do that so your giving trolls what they want and hurting trans people who do identify with those pronouns.
take note bluesky this is how to build trust and safety 💙
and it’s another reason why i love it here 💞
100%.
You don’t get to decide if another person’s identity is valid or not. That’s literally just transphobia, and perpetuating that inside our own community is truscum behavior. An individual person has the final word on who they are, what they’re called and how to correctly refer to them.
i don’t get why its so hard for people to use the block function and move on, i was sick of hearing about dragonfucker the second i saw dragonfucker crying victim in every thread on my feed. other comments have outlined my feelings on neopronouns so i wont get knto that
it felt trolly and disingenuous the way that dragonfucker was going about it, so i used the block function because it was exhausting to look at. shouldn’t be more complicated than that
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