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Then Germany wakes up in an alleyway where they find out they were blamed for the whole thing and that all their money, property have been taken while they were down. Germany takes a few months of recovery and starts getting things together to get some revenge. Germany runs into a guy from Bavaria that talks a good talk.
They go down to the local Spanish bar to try out some new metal folding chairs they just got sold by an American company, just to see how well they could work in a full on bar fight.
The guy was from Austria and screamed like a mad man.
This all then leads into a runaway bar fight that involved the entire town, police, local militia, politicians, country people, people from towns nearby … the fight spilled over into air balloons in the sky and people fighting in the lakes on either side of town … they eventually burned down the original bar, the Americans blew up two entire neighborhoods, but only after the Europeans had burned down half the town and the Asias had left Chinatown district in complete shambles.
That was beautiful
Fun, but there should also be a few lines about Austria trying to punch Serbia and failing, Romania trying to punch Austria and failing, and Britain super promising the Arabs their freedom if they would just punch Turkey.
“Bro just trust us, when has Albion ever engaged in perfidy against anyone”
To be fair, Serbia came up to Austria and knocked Austria’s pint on purpose.
Eh, a handful of Serbians did but there’s not evidence it was a state-sanctioned assassination.
The Black Hand was quite tightly tied to the Serbian government at the time.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Assassination_of_Archduke_Franz_Ferdinand
The assassination team was helped by the Black Hand, a Serbian secret nationalist group; support came from Dragutin Dimitrijević, chief of the military intelligence section of the Serbian general staff, as well as from Major Vojislav Tankosić and Rade Malobabić, a Serbian intelligence agent. Tankosić provided bombs and pistols to the assassins and trained them in their use. The assassins were given access to the same clandestine network of safe-houses and agents that Malobabić used for the infiltration of weapons and operatives into Austria-Hungary.
“There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it”
Funniest and most accurate line in the whole thing
Only read if you want to cry
“Those heroes that shed their blood and lost their lives… you are now lying in the soil of a friendly country. Therefore, rest in peace. There is no difference between the Johnnies and the Mehmets to us where they lie side by side here in this country of ours… You the mothers who sent their sons from far away countries wipe away your tears. Your sons are now lying in our bosom and are in peace. After having lost their lives on this land they have become our sons as well.” - quote attributed to Mustafa Kemal Ataturk, the Turkish commander at Gallipoli
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kemal_Atatürk_Memorial,_Canberra
Also, not our fault we Americans thought of bringing a barstool instead of our damn bare hands 😎
Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change
I thought that was a hilarious take on the end of the Tsars/Bolshevik Revolution
Edit: That’s a fantastic quote from Ataturk, holy crap!
He was in the thick of it too. His headquarters were only a few hundred meters from the front lines at Gallipoli, so he saw all the ugliness up close. Really hammers home just how pointless it all was, but also how much humanity we all share.
Another heartbreaking Gallipoli story, this one from an ANZAC officer
Our men and the Turks began fraternizing, exchanging badges, etc. I had to keep them apart. At 4 o’clock the Turks came to me for orders. I do not believe this could have happened anywhere else. I retired their troops and ours, walking along the line. At 4.7 I retired the white-flag men, making them shake hands with our men. Then I came to the upper end. About a dozen Turks came out. I chaffed them, and said that they would shoot me next day. They said, in a horrified chorus: “God forbid!” The Albanians laughed and cheered, and said: “We will never shoot you.” Then the Australians began coming up, and said: “Good-bye old chap; good luck!” And the Turks said: “Oghur Ola gule gule gedejekseniz, gule gule gelejekseniz” (“Smiling may you go and smiling come again”). Then I told them all to get into their trenches, and unthinkingly went up to the Turkish trench and got a deep salaam from it. I told them that neither side would fire for twenty-five minutes after they had got into the trenches. One Turks was seen out away on our left, but there was nothing to be done, and I think he was all right. A couple of rifles had gone off about twenty minutes before the end but Potts and I went hurriedly to and fro seeing it was all right. At last we dropped into our trenches, glad that the strain was over. I walked back with Temperley. I got some raw whisky for the infection in my throat, and iodine for where the barbed wire had torn my feet. There was a hush over the Peninsula.
Take the men out of the war for a few minutes, and they’re just boys, with the same mothers and same feelings, identical to one another.
That is unbelievably sad, and sweet
For those who want a song accompaning the verses: Sabaton – Cliffs of Gallipoli
Seriously, that quote is moving me to literal tears still. God damn
First time I read it I wept, entirely unexpectedly. I’m not even Australian, or Turkish. Those last two lines hit particularly hard.
Ataturk is such a fascinating character, that seems entirely unknown to so many. He’s hardly even celebrated in modern Turkey.
Not that long ago he still held near-demigod status. I’m not real informed about the modern state of things on that front, but I’m given to understand the Islamist-oriented AKP has been trying to quietly move away from Ataturk and his secular legacy since the mid-2000s. Don’t know how successful that’s actually been, but it’s definitely quieter now.
The modern Turkish government is pushing back against the ideals he setup a century ago. It’s sad.
Shouldn’t Austria be two dudes, with tumors?
Siamese twins that are a bit unsure on who’s controlling the body
Canadians just sitting there politely, finishing off their 7th pint, are pulled into the brawl. They are tethered at the wrists to the British.
Having never thrown a punch before, they arrange themselves in an unusual formation and fight in as unpredictable a style as any drunkard.
They are injured and maimed. Wounds that would give them special privileges from their mother.
They mercilessly swing from all directions, knocking Germany out of France’s personal space, and sending their twirly moustaches in a tizzy.
Nah, if WWI was like a bar fight, it’d be like a scene where the criminal gangs taking over a city all get together, but everybody’s armed and every gang has a couple people just looking for a fight.
