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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/EllieDai on 2023-07-28 08:05:31.
Reminder: I am not the OOP. OOP u/Puppy_Cat_Boots.
Trigger warnings: Death of a loved one, dark humor, coping/grieving
Mood Spoilers: It all works out in the end
WIBTAH for kicking my son out for making “dark humor” TikToks about our daughters death? , posted on Friday, July 21st, to r/AITAH
My daughter (16F) died 7 months ago in a car accident. The other driver was speeding and weaving in and out of traffic like a maniac on the highway, ultimately hitting my babygirl. The driver died on impact, but she died 6 hours later in the hospital due to her injuries.
My wife and I attend individual therapy, as well as marriage counseling. It’s been extremely hard for both of us, but we have made considerable progress given the circumstances.
We begged our son to get therapy and go to family counseling with us, but he refused. He’s 19 and in college so we can’t force him to go. Our therapist gave us a list of warning signs to look out for, and he seemed to be coping well with the loss. We decided to let him grieve in his own way.
The issue is my wife discovered a video my son made that went viral on TikTok. It was reposted by another account. It was a dark humor video. “Before and after getting my drivers license” which was her school picture and then a picture of her gravestone/totaled car. The 3000+ comments were extremely fucked up and had similar “jokes”. We found his account which had more than one video like this. “Us then vs now” which had a baby photo of them and then cut to a selfie of him next to her hospital bed before she died. There were in total 5 different posts similar to this. Each similarly more disgusting.
My wife was inconsolable. She had a severe mental breakdown. I had to take her to the ER so she can be sedated and given fluids due to her vomiting and hyperventilating.
I confronted my son, who defended himself saying he uses these videos to “cope” with her death. That “dark humor” is the way he grieves. I could barley look at him. I told him to pack his things and stay with his grandparents. He was angry and said we both need to “move the fuck on” and stop taking our grieve out on him.
It’s been 2 weeks and my wife doesn’t want to be anywhere near my son anytime soon. I can’t say I disagree. It’s been about giant 10 steps back for both our grieving process.
Our son gone was supposed to be temporary, but my wife and I think it’s time for him move into an off-campus student apartment to give us all some space and establish boundaries. We haven’t told him this yet, but plan to when he returns home next week.
While he was away he did apologize in a text to both my wife and I. However he still insists it wasn’t wrong for him to post those videos publicly for millions of people to see. He believes we are being too dramatic and taking it too personal. It took me threatening to disown him before he took down the videos.
A few of my friends thinks we are going too far by essentially abandoning him and kicking him out of our home. They said to keep in mind he’s still a stupid kid, and he’s digging in his heels because he wants attention.
We’ll be paying for his rent, but he will have to cover the other costs himself (food, gas) since that’s the most we can afford right now. He will have to get a part-time job while going to class.
We still love our son but neither of us can handle this right now for the sake of our marriage and mental health. Honestly I think I need to put my wife first here, and if that means he needs to leave then I’ll do that for her. Plus he’s 19 (turning 20 soon), so it’s not like he’s a child…
WIBTAH?
Comments that OP cited in their update
Agoraphobe961
> > NTA. Using his sister’s death for internet clout is disgusting > Edit to add: he took a selfie with his sister on life support, there’s a time and place ffs. He also gave a text apology, then doubled down and called his parents dramatic and refused to take down the videos even though they triggered his mom into an ER visit. He said his parents were taking it too personally. IT’S ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTER, it’s literally almost the most personal thing you can get. > > >
> > > > > > Where in the world does this confidence that clout was the most important thing coming from? Kids his age live their lives on social media in a way that makes me extremely uncomfortable. But it doesn’t take much time on TikTok to know that it’s a part of life for them now, it’s a core part of the way many teenagers experience and interact with the world, and it’s not just for “clout” > > This kid is apparently just selfish and lacks empathy and wants to increase his social media following, but there’s nothing in the post that indicates: > > > > > > * He said a single fucking word about likes, followers, or anything that indicated those things were important to him > > * That his father ever asked him “How is this helping you son? Why is it important to you to express yourself this way? What about this makes it easier for you to deal with your sister’s death?” > > > > > > People up and down this thread are diagnosing him as a psychopath, saying he has a personality disorder, etc. and it’s fucking bonkers. We have no idea why he felt this was an important way for him to grieve, and the folks labelling him this that and the other thing are accusing HIM of lacking empathy. That’s exactly fucking backwards. > > > > > > It may ultimately be that the son’s a complete dickhead, that he really doesn’t care how these things impact his parents and he just wants likes and followers. But the information we have here is so far away from proving that, unless you are choosing to project your own hatred of social media culture onto this one person. > > > > > > Ultimately, this sequence of events can also be accurately described as: > > > > > > * 19 year old loses his sister > > * 19 year old finds comfort in posting dark humor about his sister > > * Parents find them and become extremely upset. Dad confronts the kid and after the kid defends himself, asks no follow up questions about why it’s helping him and makes no further effort to understand, but kicks him out of the house, becoming so angry with his son that he can’t even look at him. I’d bet every penny I have the son knew exactly what his father felt towards him in that moment, and it sure as hell wasn’t love or empathy. > > * Only then, by the way, does the kid lash out (“move the fuck on”) at the parents. After his father has reached the point where he is treating him with nothing but anger. The son was not the person who escalated away from a place of familial love here. That’s an important detail. > > > > > > Everyone in this thread who is so gleefully tagging this kid with every name or psychological disorder in the book should take a deep fucking breath and consider who really lacks empathy here. > > > > > > I feel deeply for the father but the way he’s lashing out at his son is ultimately on him and he is risking losing a second child because of his grief over the first. I won’t call him the AH, I think all parties involved deserve some grace to figure out such a brutal situation. NAH, but I really hope OP reconsiders his stance towards this and seeks to understand his son a bit better. I think he will ultimately regret it if he doesn’t. > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > Grace. Such an amazing thing. It can move mountains. I agree, don’t cut your son off. He may feel very alone right now. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > I cannot upvote this enough. As a parent of 20, 24, and 27 year old men, they are very different than than we were at that age. They live an online life. The pandemic made this even worse. I wouldn’t expect a 19 year old male who is separated from his family in college and going through the complete breakdown of a family TO post something psychologically balanced, thoughtful, and reasonable. I have seen worse coping behavior from grown adults. They just don’t post it on TikTok. The mother’s behavior was a complete breakdown and inability to function to the point of hospitalization, and everyone is pointing fingers at a 19 year old? I think this entire family is struggling. Expecting a 19 year old to have the emotional intelligence to cope with not only the loss of his only sibling, but essentially his family is unreasonable. Most people are looking at this through the lenses of far more adult experience, which is just not fair. The parents’ reaction was neither reasoned, mature, or empathic, and they’re more than twice his age. These parents appear to have a lot of unresolved anger, and their son has become a target for their rage. Yes, his post was hurtful, but people do stupid things in grief. His parents are right now. Just because they don’t understand it doesn’t make it wrong. Everyone needs to take a big step back before this family implodes. Grief and anger mix to make a toxic and blinding combination that often destroys the relationships of those going through it. I hope these parents don’t lose a …
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