After managing a produce section for a couple of years and essentially becoming one with the fruit, I retreated to the basement office for a couple of hours to produce a holy text. This text is one large excel sheet, neatly condensed to fit onto one piece of paper, containing the PLUs for every single fruit, vegetable, fungus and tuber ever carried within our sacred halls, or with any remote potential to be carried in my department at any point in the future. Each are nearly categorized by item type (roots/tubers, peppers, bulbs, citrus, tropical, melons, etc.).

The only flaw is that, while each grouping of PLUs are alphabetized, the categories/headers themselves are not, as I had to carefully arrange them in a way as to waste no space on the sheet while leaving no physical breaks either. The front-end cashiers revere this document and have since cast down their jumbled assortment of notes and papers previously taped all over their tills. All that remains is that single sacred text, my masters’ work and legacy. A gift from the holy one.

My magnum opus.