Derry Oliver was in fifth grade when she first talked to her mom about seeing a therapist.
She was living in Georgia with her brother while her mom was in New York scoping out jobs and apartments ahead of moving the family. It was a rough year apart. Oliver, now 17, was feeling depressed. A school staffer raised the idea of a therapist.
Oliver’s mom, also named Derry Oliver, questioned the school’s assessment and didn’t give consent for therapy. “You’re so young,” the mom recalled thinking. “There’s nothing wrong with you. These are growing pains.”
The issue boiled over again during the COVID-19 pandemic when the younger Oliver, struggling with the isolation of remote learning, reached out to her Brooklyn high school for help. School-based mental health professionals like social workers can provide some counseling without parent permission. But in New York, referring a student to more intensive therapy almost always requires a parent’s agreement. In Oliver’s case, that led to more conflict.
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As schools across the country respond to a youth mental health crisis accelerated by the pandemic, many are confronting the thorny legal, ethical, and practical challenges of getting parents on board with treatment. The issue has become politicized, with some states looking to streamline access as conservative politicians elsewhere propose further restrictions, accusing schools of trying to indoctrinate students and cut out parents.
Differing perspectives on mental health aren’t new for parents and kids, but more conflicts are emerging as young people get more comfortable talking openly about mental health and treatment becomes more readily available. Schools have invested pandemic relief money in hiring more mental health specialists as well as telehealth and online counseling to reach as many students as possible.
Personally, I feel like it would be great to normalize therapeutic supports to such an extent that we can let go of the idea they represent something being “wrong” with anybody. We have collectively developed this bizarre sense that we shouldn’t need each other, that you should have to face your challenges on your own.
If you are personally in the position where therapy is accessible to you, I encourage you to go for it - even if there is “nothing wrong with you” (lol) - and then recommend it to others, talk about how it helps you grow and learn, etc. The mental health world is still fraught with challenging, dangerous stigmas and the best way to improve that is to show others that it’s the stigmas that are dangerous, not the supports.
I think it goes deeper than that. There’s this lack of awareness and also enforced denial of people’s needs with interpersonal weapons like guilt, shame, physical violence, and making one’s survival contingent on codependance and on towing the line even if it doesn’t work and its not yours and particularly where a seperate person’s lifestyle and control depends on their forced captivity on anyone else
We are definitely struggling against an unhealthy culture that makes this extraordinarily challenging. I think there is a misunderstanding where we think accepting greater support will decrease our personal autonomy and risk us being too reliant on others. However moving towards healthy interdependence should - and can - be an experience that actually frees the individual to experience more opportunity, greater stability, enhanced relationships, etc.
I’ve definitely thought about casting therapy in the same terms as exercising. Hitting the gym is good for your physical health, seeing a therapist is good for your mental health. Problem is, I don’t want to make it something people start bragging about, the way some people excessively work out. Then again, that’s a much better problem than the one we have now.