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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/EllieDai on 2023-07-28 08:05:31.
Reminder: I am not the OOP. OOP u/Puppy_Cat_Boots.
Trigger warnings: Death of a loved one, dark humor, coping/grieving
Mood Spoilers: It all works out in the end
WIBTAH for kicking my son out for making ādark humorā TikToks about our daughters death? , posted on Friday, July 21st, to r/AITAH
My daughter (16F) died 7 months ago in a car accident. The other driver was speeding and weaving in and out of traffic like a maniac on the highway, ultimately hitting my babygirl. The driver died on impact, but she died 6 hours later in the hospital due to her injuries.
My wife and I attend individual therapy, as well as marriage counseling. Itās been extremely hard for both of us, but we have made considerable progress given the circumstances.
We begged our son to get therapy and go to family counseling with us, but he refused. Heās 19 and in college so we canāt force him to go. Our therapist gave us a list of warning signs to look out for, and he seemed to be coping well with the loss. We decided to let him grieve in his own way.
The issue is my wife discovered a video my son made that went viral on TikTok. It was reposted by another account. It was a dark humor video. āBefore and after getting my drivers licenseā which was her school picture and then a picture of her gravestone/totaled car. The 3000+ comments were extremely fucked up and had similar ājokesā. We found his account which had more than one video like this. āUs then vs nowā which had a baby photo of them and then cut to a selfie of him next to her hospital bed before she died. There were in total 5 different posts similar to this. Each similarly more disgusting.
My wife was inconsolable. She had a severe mental breakdown. I had to take her to the ER so she can be sedated and given fluids due to her vomiting and hyperventilating.
I confronted my son, who defended himself saying he uses these videos to ācopeā with her death. That ādark humorā is the way he grieves. I could barley look at him. I told him to pack his things and stay with his grandparents. He was angry and said we both need to āmove the fuck onā and stop taking our grieve out on him.
Itās been 2 weeks and my wife doesnāt want to be anywhere near my son anytime soon. I canāt say I disagree. Itās been about giant 10 steps back for both our grieving process.
Our son gone was supposed to be temporary, but my wife and I think itās time for him move into an off-campus student apartment to give us all some space and establish boundaries. We havenāt told him this yet, but plan to when he returns home next week.
While he was away he did apologize in a text to both my wife and I. However he still insists it wasnāt wrong for him to post those videos publicly for millions of people to see. He believes we are being too dramatic and taking it too personal. It took me threatening to disown him before he took down the videos.
A few of my friends thinks we are going too far by essentially abandoning him and kicking him out of our home. They said to keep in mind heās still a stupid kid, and heās digging in his heels because he wants attention.
Weāll be paying for his rent, but he will have to cover the other costs himself (food, gas) since thatās the most we can afford right now. He will have to get a part-time job while going to class.
We still love our son but neither of us can handle this right now for the sake of our marriage and mental health. Honestly I think I need to put my wife first here, and if that means he needs to leave then Iāll do that for her. Plus heās 19 (turning 20 soon), so itās not like heās a childā¦
WIBTAH?
Comments that OP cited in their update
Agoraphobe961
> > NTA. Using his sisterās death for internet clout is disgusting > Edit to add: he took a selfie with his sister on life support, thereās a time and place ffs. He also gave a text apology, then doubled down and called his parents dramatic and refused to take down the videos even though they triggered his mom into an ER visit. He said his parents were taking it too personally. ITāS ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTER, itās literally almost the most personal thing you can get. > > >
> > > > > > Where in the world does this confidence that clout was the most important thing coming from? Kids his age live their lives on social media in a way that makes me extremely uncomfortable. But it doesnāt take much time on TikTok to know that itās a part of life for them now, itās a core part of the way many teenagers experience and interact with the world, and itās not just for ācloutā > > This kid is apparently just selfish and lacks empathy and wants to increase his social media following, but thereās nothing in the post that indicates: > > > > > > * He said a single fucking word about likes, followers, or anything that indicated those things were important to him > > * That his father ever asked him āHow is this helping you son? Why is it important to you to express yourself this way? What about this makes it easier for you to deal with your sisterās death?ā > > > > > > People up and down this thread are diagnosing him as a psychopath, saying he has a personality disorder, etc. and itās fucking bonkers. We have no idea why he felt this was an important way for him to grieve, and the folks labelling him this that and the other thing are accusing HIM of lacking empathy. Thatās exactly fucking backwards. > > > > > > It may ultimately be that the sonās a complete dickhead, that he really doesnāt care how these things impact his parents and he just wants likes and followers. But the information we have here is so far away from proving that, unless you are choosing to project your own hatred of social media culture onto this one person. > > > > > > Ultimately, this sequence of events can also be accurately described as: > > > > > > * 19 year old loses his sister > > * 19 year old finds comfort in posting dark humor about his sister > > * Parents find them and become extremely upset. Dad confronts the kid and after the kid defends himself, asks no follow up questions about why itās helping him and makes no further effort to understand, but kicks him out of the house, becoming so angry with his son that he canāt even look at him. Iād bet every penny I have the son knew exactly what his father felt towards him in that moment, and it sure as hell wasnāt love or empathy. > > * Only then, by the way, does the kid lash out (āmove the fuck onā) at the parents. After his father has reached the point where he is treating him with nothing but anger. The son was not the person who escalated away from a place of familial love here. Thatās an important detail. > > > > > > Everyone in this thread who is so gleefully tagging this kid with every name or psychological disorder in the book should take a deep fucking breath and consider who really lacks empathy here. > > > > > > I feel deeply for the father but the way heās lashing out at his son is ultimately on him and he is risking losing a second child because of his grief over the first. I wonāt call him the AH, I think all parties involved deserve some grace to figure out such a brutal situation. NAH, but I really hope OP reconsiders his stance towards this and seeks to understand his son a bit better. I think he will ultimately regret it if he doesnāt. > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > Grace. Such an amazing thing. It can move mountains. I agree, donāt cut your son off. He may feel very alone right now. > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > > >
> > > > > > > > > > > > I cannot upvote this enough. As a parent of 20, 24, and 27 year old men, they are very different than than we were at that age. They live an online life. The pandemic made this even worse. I wouldnāt expect a 19 year old male who is separated from his family in college and going through the complete breakdown of a family TO post something psychologically balanced, thoughtful, and reasonable. I have seen worse coping behavior from grown adults. They just donāt post it on TikTok. The motherās behavior was a complete breakdown and inability to function to the point of hospitalization, and everyone is pointing fingers at a 19 year old? I think this entire family is struggling. Expecting a 19 year old to have the emotional intelligence to cope with not only the loss of his only sibling, but essentially his family is unreasonable. Most people are looking at this through the lenses of far more adult experience, which is just not fair. The parentsā reaction was neither reasoned, mature, or empathic, and theyāre more than twice his age. These parents appear to have a lot of unresolved anger, and their son has become a target for their rage. Yes, his post was hurtful, but people do stupid things in grief. His parents are right now. Just because they donāt understand it doesnāt make it wrong. Everyone needs to take a big step back before this family implodes. Grief and anger mix to make a toxic and blinding combination that often destroys the relationships of those going through it. I hope these parents donāt lose a ā¦
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