i was invited to stay at this guy’s house by a supposed anarchist running a pride-union support group. he behaved very strangely but i ignored the red flags because doing activism is difficult and folks need to unpack their phobias, internalized and otherwise. none of us are without some bigotry or bias.

week 3, he confesses he is actively suicidal. i suggest he could turn over his firearms to me. he does. i am also actively suicidal so i gave the parts to his friend.

then, recently, he confessed to aggravated sexual assault. his victim was sleeping. he blamed his victim twice. this fucker refused to give me any details except that one other person knew and that he had not made amends or been held accountable socially or otherwise. all those red flags dropped into place bigger than before. i went to his trans partner and told them and then i lost my shit bad.

a complete lack of empathy for others. centers himself and his feelings. no concern for the impact of his behavior on others. learned helplessness. barely suppressed rage. resentment towards those he has been doing direct action with and for. zero self-awareness. zero agency. repeatedly talks about union martyrs and their statues. pretends to listen. has no concern for the horrible dynamic he created and how i am a gender-dysphoria and medically papered american homeless transsexual hooker and he is a well-connected american white cis man in positions of power and influence in union and pride spaces. he lies to everyone all the time. the lies by assent and omission are the most glaring. his facade is a lie by commission.

he never seems to have an idea for activism on his own. he creeps around this house like he doesnt want to be perceived. he has zero life outside of the activism save the bar and the apps. good can be done by evil and fuck anyone who excuses abuse because someone provides some resources to the unsheltered and tables at pride events for unions. he is a menace.

its clear to me that his partner, some of the support group attendees, and myself were being used for his narcissistic validations and to seek absolution. i broke down. these are people i have started friendships with and care about. he knew i am a SA survivor with abusers that were gay men like him and decided to tell me anyway. he had me all fucked up and i let him have it. all my past shit came flooding back and i reproached, chided, berated, insulted, and was mean as fuck to him. i know he’s sick but fuck this guy. a sexually assaulting fraud purposefully exploiting vulnerable people and groups.

im barricading the door at night. i made a fork lock to help make it more difficult to enter and give me time to grab my jack handle. im burning down every avenue he has to continue abusing folks or get in positions of power locally. this weekend i am going to tell a group of activists about his sexual assault, it’s severity, and his exploitative behavior towards me. the only justice he will see is social justice. he fucked with the wrong tranny.

im not a pussy and i survive so fuck this guy for looking and finding me and killing what little trust i had. fuck him for making my paranoia bloom. fuck him for his betrayal of my goodwill and support for his activism. he has done good but he is also an asshole of monumental proportions who will just use people for his own emotional needs.

shit’s fucked yo. this is my life and fuck it. i cant curtail these nihilistic feelings and thoughts right now and i dont care to. im all fucked up and i dont care about what happens to me anymore. how can i do anarchism now? i dont believe in anything and im deep in survival mode. the meaning ive found in life were my relationships with folks and i cant imagine i will have another one with any degree of trust. im old and tired and fuck it. fuck it. fuck it. FUCK RESTORATIVE JUSTICE I WANT TO SEE HIM SUFFER THAT PATHETIC FUCK IDGAF FUCK YOU DONT @ ME