Throw away account obviously but I’m sitting here, on a Friday night alone. I recently split off with my fiancee of 2 years, we were supposed to be wed in a few months. Shes off partying and living life up, and I’m happy for her. We still live together for the time being before our lease ends. This is exactly how my previous relationship ended. Ironic. She has a social circle to support her.
Well, throughout the course of 5 years, I have slowly burned many bridges of friends and over the course of 10 years, have destroyed many women’s perception of trust. The list goes on. My regret and guilt is an all time high.
On top of this, my family doesn’t really know the real me. I have such a hard time making connections with them and others at this point of my life.
I am seeking to rectify the entire situation by trying some therapeutic techniques. AMA.
I was constantly complaining about “fake friends” and how people were being inauthentic to themselves and similar themes to that. This was all over my social medias where I just know everyone was talking about me in their private group chats which is understandable. Looking back on it, I don’t blame them for leaving, but I am learning day by day so it’s getting easier to live with.
I am about 90% done with it - even though we still live together. She went to a festival over the weekend with her friends and I’m happy for her but deep down, I am living in spite because that should be me with her there but then again, I live at a different tempo than most people, so I suppose our differences were irreconcilable. We spent the last few days crying to each other, mourning the relationship. It was painful. No matter how much I begged and pleaded, she wouldn’t budge and I’m sort of glad she hasn’t. Simply because I know I still have some more soul searching to do. To answer your last part, I had lost my job almost half a year ago and she has been supportive throughout the whole process - but the person that left that job to the person who I was recently experienced a transition. One so negative, that it drove the relationship south, because I was becoming overly critical, being financially dependent on her, thus giving her an incredibly insurmountable and exponentially growing mountain of stress that she had finally gotten tired of. Our small fights and arguments evolved into bursts of emotion and passion. I have intimacy issues, and it showed up in our last spat - where I threatened leaving her again. That was the last straw. Since then, experiencing deep pain, knowing I’ve been self sabotaging yet again, oh what a joy it is to live life, to constantly learn but man, does it hurt lol
Do u happen to have bpd?