It’s some sort of a disassociative childhood trauma that we put up inside ourselves to either forget something horrible, traumatic or just generally depressive.
I grew up poor in my Indigenous family and everywhere I turned from the moment I was born, there was near constant tragedy and trauma. And if it wasn’t happening around me, people were also remarking, remembering or recalling even more horrible things from the past. On top of that, I basically attended one or more funerals for friends, family or close relatives every single year of my life until I was 20 and left home. I saw funerals for old people, middle aged people, adults, teenagers, children and babies. Add to that the reality of knowing that as a kid, everything was kind of OK but I knew that as an adult I would be completely on my own and would have to do something while living in a world that probably didn’t want me because I was just another ‘Indian’.
By the time I was about 12 - 13 a switch went off in my head that basically said … ‘OK let’s turn everything off and just run on auto pilot for a while’ … it’s a coping mechanism to just forget and disassociate from everything and everyone and just go on living without really thinking about anything. I have entire years of my teenage life that are just black empty periods with no memory. I still have family and friends who come up to me to say ‘hey, remember that time you did that amazing thing?’, ‘you jumped from a high dive at the lake’, ‘you did an amazing jump with a dirt bike and crashed and flipped a million times’, ‘you played hockey with so and so and you guys won a tournament’ … entire periods of my life that are just blank, empty and lost. Sometimes I think really hard and look back and its like trying to recall a TV show or movie I saw 30 years ago and just remember an image or two but nothing about what the movie was about.
I’ve never been diagnosed with anything or ever seen a doctor or psychiatrist about any of this … never had the time or the money or the access to see one. By the time I could afford it all, I had pretty much dealt with my inner (and outer) demons in my life to be able to live with it all. Alcoholism was another problem I had to deal with and AA, NA, Al-Anon and years of being part of support groups really helped a lot. And I’ve seen the same thing with so many people like me that I grew up with and so many other young Native people I see today.
Huh, that description of a disassociated childhood sounds a lot like my memories of my childhood, growing up poor with a broken/drug addled family. Definitely would explain a lot…
That’s really interesting. I’m glad it sounds like the situation is better now.
I wonder if that was your brain going on auto pilot, or just turning off memory making? Like I wonder if you would have known at the time anything was different.
Thank you for sharing. I always really appreciate learning more about your life, because it has been so different from mine. Thank you also for your contributions to lemmy in general.
Your description of the disassociation you went through as a kid mirrors exactly what happened to me. Around the same age, I consciously just shut off. Stopped caring about anything or anyone. Then very slowly over the next few years intentionally but cautiously let things back in. I also have no memory of my childhood really. Just a couple flashes and images. If someone describes something, I can sometimes vaguely remember that it happened but no more details beyond that.
It’s some sort of a disassociative childhood trauma that we put up inside ourselves to either forget something horrible, traumatic or just generally depressive.
I grew up poor in my Indigenous family and everywhere I turned from the moment I was born, there was near constant tragedy and trauma. And if it wasn’t happening around me, people were also remarking, remembering or recalling even more horrible things from the past. On top of that, I basically attended one or more funerals for friends, family or close relatives every single year of my life until I was 20 and left home. I saw funerals for old people, middle aged people, adults, teenagers, children and babies. Add to that the reality of knowing that as a kid, everything was kind of OK but I knew that as an adult I would be completely on my own and would have to do something while living in a world that probably didn’t want me because I was just another ‘Indian’.
By the time I was about 12 - 13 a switch went off in my head that basically said … ‘OK let’s turn everything off and just run on auto pilot for a while’ … it’s a coping mechanism to just forget and disassociate from everything and everyone and just go on living without really thinking about anything. I have entire years of my teenage life that are just black empty periods with no memory. I still have family and friends who come up to me to say ‘hey, remember that time you did that amazing thing?’, ‘you jumped from a high dive at the lake’, ‘you did an amazing jump with a dirt bike and crashed and flipped a million times’, ‘you played hockey with so and so and you guys won a tournament’ … entire periods of my life that are just blank, empty and lost. Sometimes I think really hard and look back and its like trying to recall a TV show or movie I saw 30 years ago and just remember an image or two but nothing about what the movie was about.
I’ve never been diagnosed with anything or ever seen a doctor or psychiatrist about any of this … never had the time or the money or the access to see one. By the time I could afford it all, I had pretty much dealt with my inner (and outer) demons in my life to be able to live with it all. Alcoholism was another problem I had to deal with and AA, NA, Al-Anon and years of being part of support groups really helped a lot. And I’ve seen the same thing with so many people like me that I grew up with and so many other young Native people I see today.
Huh, that description of a disassociated childhood sounds a lot like my memories of my childhood, growing up poor with a broken/drug addled family. Definitely would explain a lot…
Holy shit, that explains why I have a really, weirdly, strong memory but can’t really remember much before being 20.
I’m in a similar situation. It gets to a point where time just deals with these things.
Good job on the alcohol. I never got that bad but got close a few times. Craving alcohol at 0630 was a wakeup call for me.
That’s really interesting. I’m glad it sounds like the situation is better now.
I wonder if that was your brain going on auto pilot, or just turning off memory making? Like I wonder if you would have known at the time anything was different.
Thank you for sharing. I always really appreciate learning more about your life, because it has been so different from mine. Thank you also for your contributions to lemmy in general.
Your description of the disassociation you went through as a kid mirrors exactly what happened to me. Around the same age, I consciously just shut off. Stopped caring about anything or anyone. Then very slowly over the next few years intentionally but cautiously let things back in. I also have no memory of my childhood really. Just a couple flashes and images. If someone describes something, I can sometimes vaguely remember that it happened but no more details beyond that.