I cannot. I have seen the family car twice since she traded in our old one to get this one - it’s been a year - and ridden in it once for an IKEA+Starbucks white-kid Sunday fun day.

I cannot abandon it for I cannot prove she hasn’t abandoned me and taken it with her. Every night is a mixture of relief and joy as she steps out of the elevator, as it means she’s back; and she’s also gorgeous so there’s that too.

Oh shit. Me and the family dog have too much in common.

So anyway, I can’t comply with this imperative. If you added an article it wouldn’t sound like Phil Hartman’s SNL lawyer character.